Morality Outbreak Part 1

            I stood there for a second looking at the man crumpled on the ground. I almost dropped the gun but one of my comrades grabbed my arm and propped me up. Another comrade was addressing the crowd but the words washed away in my ears, still ringing from the gun shot. Next I felt as if I was floating along, not knowing where I was going but being supported by my comrade. After we got out of sight I felt my gut churn.

            “Good job, comrade” Lucas said as he pulled down his black and red mask. “You sure showed that fascist, now the rest of them will think twice before trying to spew their hate speech.” Lucas looked at me with excited eyes. I stood a bit taller but as soon as I pulled down my black and red mask to say thanks my guts revolted and rose up. All across the sidewalk my vomit splattered with a thick plop. Why did I throw up? A sense of dread crept into my empty belly and started to spread throughout my whole body. The image of the man laying at my feet blood pooling around him forced itself to the front of my mind. My knees felt weak and I started to breathe heavily.

            “You okay comrade?” Lucas said bending over to look at my face. I nodded and put my hand on his shoulder to steady myself.

            “Yes” I said in a shaky voice, the taste of vomit still lingering on my tongue. My insides churned again and I put my hand over my mouth. Lucas helped me sit down against the wall and told me to take deep steady breaths. I followed his instructions and started to feel better. I could not understand what happened to me, why did I feel sick all of a sudden? I was fine before on the way to the fascist’s house. The image blood pouring out of the bullet hole came to mind and I felt my guts twist and turn again. Since they were empty it was just a painful tightening of the abs and a burning sensation in my throat as bile came up this time.

            Was I feeling bad because I had killed that fascist? No, it could not be that, I did a good thing by stopping his hate speech from harming others. I was protecting the oppressed people in the community. People watched in disbelief that a fascist had been hiding in their community as we pulled him out of the home. Some even wept tears of joy as we made him kneel down on the street and I stepped up with the gun. The sound of the gun and the smell of the gunpowder flooded my mind again. My stomach turned over again but it quickly passed. I looked up at Lucas and he offered me his hand. I took it and pulled myself to my feet.

            “We better head back, I hear the community wants to thank you for protecting them.” Lucas said with a smile. “I am proud of you comrade.” I smiled back at him and stood straight again, brushed myself off and put our masks back on. We walked back to the crowd and I kept my eyes fixed straight ahead. As we got closer I could make out the still body on the pavement out of the corner of my eye. Fascist scum got what he deserved I told myself. A sense of dread made my feet tingle and slowly worked its way up to my stomach. I pushed the feeling down, looked straight ahead and kept walking.

            The community had gathered and the comrade who was addressing them had them file pass. The adults said thank you though I could see anger in their eyes. It was understandable, I would be angry too if I knew I was living next to a fascist all this time and did not know it. Some of the children clung to their mothers.

            “No need to be afraid kids,” I said after clearing my throat, “The fascist cannot harm you anymore.” One of the kids turned, looked at the dead fascist, and then started crying. I knelt down as he got closer and reached out to give him a hug and a comforting word, but when I stretched out my arms he recoiled from me, a look of fear and anger on his little face.

            “Mind your manners,” his father said to the boy and looked at me. He reached out his hand to me and shook my hand. “Thank you for protecting us from these fascists.” His words sounded practiced but I guess he was a bit nervous and shaken up. The damage these fascists can do with their hate speech is astounding.

            “You’re welcome,” I said “Just trying to keep things safe for everyone.” The man moved on and my comrades and I got back into the van. On the drive back I kept playing the scene over and over in my head. My guts still twisted every time I remembered that body. I did the right thing, I mean the community thanked me for it. I replayed the image of the people passing by. Those poor kids where so scared, at least now they will be able to sleep safely tonight. It was then that the thought assaulted me, were they afraid of me? I replayed each kid in my mind. Did they clutch their mother harder when they got to me? The kid that pulled away from me, was he afraid of the fascist or of me? He couldn’t be afraid of me I reasoned, after all I liberated him from the hate spewing fascist in his community. He was probably just struck by meeting an actual Antifa soldier.

            We arrived at the Center for Universal Social Justice and Equality in Free Speech. After we gave our report Lucas and I made our way to the Glorious Equality Apartments to rest for the night. Lucas handed me a bottle of Engels Ale as I sat down on the couch. My body still felt shaky as I took a large swallow from the bottle. I lowered my head to my chest and took in several deep breaths.

            “Big day, huh?” Lucas said sitting down next to me. I looked over at him as he put his feet up on the coffee table and took a pull from his bottle. “It was exciting to root out that fascist and protect the community. It gives you a sense of purpose to help others don’t you think?” Lucas waited for me to reply but I could hardly hear him. I could feel the gun in my hand as I pointed it at the back of that fascists head. I could see the slight movement as he struggled a bit against the zip ties around his wrists. I could feel the trigger press against my finger as I pulled it back. Suddenly the fascist fell over and laid on the pavement, unnaturally still, never to spew his hate speech ever again. Lucas kept talking “The people were so thankful, I cannot wait till I bag my first fascist.” Excitement crept through Lucas’s voice as he talked about it and something revolted inside me again.

            “Shut up!” I yelled startling Lucas and myself as well. Lucas just looked at me in surprise.

            “What’s wrong with you man? You’ve been different today.” Lucas said not taking his eyes off of me.

            “I don’t know” I said my thoughts spilling out before I could properly form them. “Ever since we rescued those people from that fascist today things have felt strange.” I stopped for a moment to collect myself and took a drink. “It felt, I don’t know, sort of wrong, I guess.” Lucas looked at me stunned. I could not bring myself to look directly at him. I felt shame spread across my skin under his gaze. “I mean, I know what we did was right, and it had to be done,” I back peddled but I could not help be keep going “but I don’t know, maybe killing that guy was wrong.”

            “FASCIST,” Lucas said still staring hard at me, “You mean killing that FASCIST was wrong?”

            “Yes fascist,” I said and drank the rest of my Engels Ale and set the bottle on the table. “I know it was right but I just have a feeling like I did something wrong.”

            “You just had a big day” Lucas said looking away from me and taking a drink. “Maybe you forgot something in your report. It happens but you can fix it when we go back to work tomorrow.”

            “That must be it,” I smiled at Lucas, he was a good friend and comrade “Thank you.” I stood up and started to head to my bed room.

            “No problem, comrade” Lucas said “Oh one last thing comrade, this conversation stays between us okay?” The serious tone of his voice caused me to stop. I nodded and walked to my room and shut the door. I laid down on the bed and kicked my shoes off. My body relaxed as my head hit the pillow.