I stood
there for a second looking at the man crumpled on the ground. I almost dropped
the gun but one of my comrades grabbed my arm and propped me up. Another
comrade was addressing the crowd but the words washed away in my ears, still
ringing from the gun shot. Next I felt as if I was floating along, not knowing
where I was going but being supported by my comrade. After we got out of sight
I felt my gut churn.
“Good job,
comrade” Lucas said as he pulled down his black and red mask. “You sure showed
that fascist, now the rest of them will think twice before trying to spew their
hate speech.” Lucas looked at me with excited eyes. I stood a bit taller but as
soon as I pulled down my black and red mask to say thanks my guts revolted and
rose up. All across the sidewalk my vomit splattered with a thick plop. Why did
I throw up? A sense of dread crept into my empty belly and started to spread
throughout my whole body. The image of the man laying at my feet blood pooling
around him forced itself to the front of my mind. My knees felt weak and I
started to breathe heavily.
“You okay
comrade?” Lucas said bending over to look at my face. I nodded and put my hand
on his shoulder to steady myself.
“Yes” I
said in a shaky voice, the taste of vomit still lingering on my tongue. My
insides churned again and I put my hand over my mouth. Lucas helped me sit down
against the wall and told me to take deep steady breaths. I followed his
instructions and started to feel better. I could not understand what happened
to me, why did I feel sick all of a sudden? I was fine before on the way to the
fascist’s house. The image blood pouring out of the bullet hole came to mind
and I felt my guts twist and turn again. Since they were empty it was just a
painful tightening of the abs and a burning sensation in my throat as bile came
up this time.
Was I
feeling bad because I had killed that fascist? No, it could not be that, I did
a good thing by stopping his hate speech from harming others. I was protecting
the oppressed people in the community. People watched in disbelief that a
fascist had been hiding in their community as we pulled him out of the home.
Some even wept tears of joy as we made him kneel down on the street and I
stepped up with the gun. The sound of the gun and the smell of the gunpowder
flooded my mind again. My stomach turned over again but it quickly passed. I
looked up at Lucas and he offered me his hand. I took it and pulled myself to
my feet.
“We better
head back, I hear the community wants to thank you for protecting them.” Lucas
said with a smile. “I am proud of you comrade.” I smiled back at him and stood
straight again, brushed myself off and put our masks back on. We walked back to
the crowd and I kept my eyes fixed straight ahead. As we got closer I could
make out the still body on the pavement out of the corner of my eye. Fascist
scum got what he deserved I told myself. A sense of dread made my feet tingle
and slowly worked its way up to my stomach. I pushed the feeling down, looked straight
ahead and kept walking.
The
community had gathered and the comrade who was addressing them had them file
pass. The adults said thank you though I could see anger in their eyes. It was
understandable, I would be angry too if I knew I was living next to a fascist
all this time and did not know it. Some of the children clung to their mothers.
“No need to
be afraid kids,” I said after clearing my throat, “The fascist cannot harm you
anymore.” One of the kids turned, looked at the dead fascist, and then started
crying. I knelt down as he got closer and reached out to give him a hug and a
comforting word, but when I stretched out my arms he recoiled from me, a look
of fear and anger on his little face.
“Mind your
manners,” his father said to the boy and looked at me. He reached out his hand
to me and shook my hand. “Thank you for protecting us from these fascists.” His
words sounded practiced but I guess he was a bit nervous and shaken up. The
damage these fascists can do with their hate speech is astounding.
“You’re
welcome,” I said “Just trying to keep things safe for everyone.” The man moved
on and my comrades and I got back into the van. On the drive back I kept
playing the scene over and over in my head. My guts still twisted every time I
remembered that body. I did the right thing, I mean the community thanked me
for it. I replayed the image of the people passing by. Those poor kids where so
scared, at least now they will be able to sleep safely tonight. It was then
that the thought assaulted me, were they afraid of me? I replayed each kid in
my mind. Did they clutch their mother harder when they got to me? The kid that
pulled away from me, was he afraid of the fascist or of me? He couldn’t be
afraid of me I reasoned, after all I liberated him from the hate spewing
fascist in his community. He was probably just struck by meeting an actual
Antifa soldier.
We arrived
at the Center for Universal Social Justice and Equality in Free Speech. After
we gave our report Lucas and I made our way to the Glorious Equality Apartments
to rest for the night. Lucas handed me a bottle of Engels Ale as I sat down on
the couch. My body still felt shaky as I took a large swallow from the bottle.
I lowered my head to my chest and took in several deep breaths.
“Big day,
huh?” Lucas said sitting down next to me. I looked over at him as he put his
feet up on the coffee table and took a pull from his bottle. “It was exciting
to root out that fascist and protect the community. It gives you a sense of
purpose to help others don’t you think?” Lucas waited for me to reply but I could
hardly hear him. I could feel the gun in my hand as I pointed it at the back of
that fascists head. I could see the slight movement as he struggled a bit
against the zip ties around his wrists. I could feel the trigger press against
my finger as I pulled it back. Suddenly the fascist fell over and laid on the
pavement, unnaturally still, never to spew his hate speech ever again. Lucas
kept talking “The people were so thankful, I cannot wait till I bag my first fascist.”
Excitement crept through Lucas’s voice as he talked about it and something
revolted inside me again.
“Shut up!”
I yelled startling Lucas and myself as well. Lucas just looked at me in surprise.
“What’s
wrong with you man? You’ve been different today.” Lucas said not taking his
eyes off of me.
“I don’t
know” I said my thoughts spilling out before I could properly form them. “Ever
since we rescued those people from that fascist today things have felt strange.”
I stopped for a moment to collect myself and took a drink. “It felt, I don’t
know, sort of wrong, I guess.” Lucas looked at me stunned. I could not bring
myself to look directly at him. I felt shame spread across my skin under his
gaze. “I mean, I know what we did was right, and it had to be done,” I back
peddled but I could not help be keep going “but I don’t know, maybe killing
that guy was wrong.”
“FASCIST,”
Lucas said still staring hard at me, “You mean killing that FASCIST was wrong?”
“Yes
fascist,” I said and drank the rest of my Engels Ale and set the bottle on the
table. “I know it was right but I just have a feeling like I did something
wrong.”
“You just
had a big day” Lucas said looking away from me and taking a drink. “Maybe you
forgot something in your report. It happens but you can fix it when we go back
to work tomorrow.”
“That must
be it,” I smiled at Lucas, he was a good friend and comrade “Thank you.” I
stood up and started to head to my bed room.
“No
problem, comrade” Lucas said “Oh one last thing comrade, this conversation
stays between us okay?” The serious tone of his voice caused me to stop. I
nodded and walked to my room and shut the door. I laid down on the bed and
kicked my shoes off. My body relaxed as my head hit the pillow.
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